Her Time would like to wish everybody a safe, gentle and peaceful Christmas Holiday period. Also wishing that in 2025 we all continue to work together towards a trauma free world. No more violence, abuse or assaults on women and children. No more racism, sexism, ableism, homophobia or transphobia. No more systems that encourage and permit homelessness and poverty. No more ignoring Men’s mental health and forced toxic masculinity as a result of the Patriarchal system. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #mentalhealth

Betrayal Trauma is When someone who is supposed to love you, consistently lets you down. When someone you love always hurts you. When someone you love always abuses you. When someone you love betrays your trust. When people you love turn against you. When systems meant to protect you, fail. It is human to trust that the person, people or systems designed or meant to protect, will keep you safe and not let you down. For example, in relationships that are hurtful or abusive, you hold out hope that this time it will be different, or that promises to stop hurting you will be kept. And when this is not the case, betrayal trauma occurs. Impacts of Betrayal Trauma include Depression or anxiety, Anger and resentment, Feeling or acting crazy, hopelessness, powerlessness, trauma bonding, desperation, disillusionment, self harm, Loneliness or isolation. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #betryaltrauma #relationaltrauma #childhoodabuse

RELATIONSHIP ABUSE IS ALSO BEING Afraid. Dismissed. Devalued. Invalidated. Exploited. Punished. Ignored. Silenced. Belittled. Blackmailed. Coerced. Blamed. Manipulated. Put Down. Controlled. Monitored. #16daysofactivism In 2024, women across the world still live without relationship equality. Stats tell us that 1 in 4 men abuse their partners. Approximately 90% of relationship violence is men’s violence against women. Women continue to live in fear for their physical and sexual safety. Too many women are very aware that either theirs and/or their children’s lives are threatened, often with violence, death or punishment if they don’t meet the needs of the abuser or if they go to leave the relationship. Too many women live with poor mental and physical health as a result of pleasing, placating and being forced or shamed into minimising their own needs. This is not a women’s problem. It’s a societal problem. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #16daysofactivism

Clarissa Pinkola Estes calls this process the gathering of bones. A journey of returning home after being lost to yourself for whatever reason. Abusive relationships, no matter if it’s a family, intimate personal, friendship or a dominant system, take and take and take some more. An abusive relationship is one where you are forced to meet the needs and beliefs of the abuser/s over the needs of your own. Recovery after leaving an abusive relationship or system, means working on returning home to oneself. Gone is looking to them for approval or forced pleasing. Gone, also is the desperate need for them to change, or to finally see you, too make it better. Home is in gathering up the lost or discarded parts of ourselves. Home is found where space is made for your story. In books and art and music. In photography, gardening, poetry and nature. In sharing and holding. In dancing up a storm. In rage and in anger. Unraveling, recreating, reclaiming. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #systemsabuse #patriarchy #clarissapinkolestes #gatheringbones

Societies rooted in patriarchal values have long excelled at shaming individuals for their responses to traumatic events. In such environments, people are often judged harshly for failing to conform to unrealistic or dominant expectations of how they “should” behave—a hallmark of a controlling society. Instead of addressing the underlying causes of these behaviors and holding accountable those responsible — whether societal structures or individuals — we often pathologize or shame survivors for their coping mechanisms. This approach renders the true perpetrators of abuse—be it the system, families, or individuals—invisible. Mental health struggles, from depression to anxiety, substance abuse, eating disorders, low self-esteem feelings of bitterness, resentment and desperation, are frequently responses to what has happened to us, rather than reflections of who we are. When we shame and judge people, including ourselves, for how we cope, we inadvertently protect and uphold a broken system. While it is crucial to take responsibility if our actions have harmed others in our pursuit of relief from trauma, poverty, or emotional dysregulation, blaming oneself for merely trying to survive perpetuates an outdated narrative of victim-blaming—one that ultimately serves to keep abusers in power. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #patriarchalsystem #shame #blame

The reality is that abuse, violence, and coercive control are centered on entitlement. Entitlement manifests as a pattern of behavior that prioritises the physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, social, financial, and spiritual needs of the abuser, above all else. Entitled abusive people do not meet their own needs; instead, they outsource this work to others. Thus, the survivor’s role is always to please, placate, repair, or fill the void created in the abuser when dysregulation, emotional insecurity, or entitled neediness occurs. There is absolutely no true empathy seen from an entitled abuser for what something might mean for you or what their insistent and insatiable demands are taking from you. If they are angry, often at a perceived injustice, the expectation is for you to fix it. If they want sex, your job is to fulfill that need. If they’re sick, your job is to put aside your own needs, or those of your children, to make them feel better. If they treat you poorly, your job is to absorb it. If you leave them, or put a boundary in after all they have done, they get angry and upset, often threatening harm, so your job is to make them feel better by returning or dropping the boundary. If they feel insecure, your job is to ensure their security by giving up your own needs. Learning that your individual needs are never the concern of an abuser is tough. Grief, shock, anger, resentment and feelings of betrayal are common experiences. But one of the greatest awakenings and freedoms a survivor can have is realising there is no hope for change with an uncommitted and unwilling abuser and instead re-centring yourself. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery #patriarchalviolence

Don’t let those who tried to keep you small for their own gain or because of their own pain, stop you from you from showing up in the world. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery Original post from @womenwhorunwiththemoon

Whether you are continuing, starting, or in the early stages of contemplating a journey home to yourself, now is the perfect time to assess what you need for your emotional wellbeing. You are the garden and the gardener (@mental.paint)🍃🌸

Her Time would like to wish you a safe and peaceful Christmas/holiday season. Her Time will be closed from the 23rd December and reopen on the 10th January. If you phone, text or email during this period, I will get back to you on our return. For many women and families, Xmas can be a one of mixed emotions and experiences, including it being a challenging time of the year for many reasons. If you are needing any crisis support over the Xmas period please call 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732 DV Connect on 1800 811 811 Lifeline Crisis Support Service on 13 11 14 I would also like want to thank you for choosing Her Time to support you in 2023. It is an honour to take part in your reclaiming and healing journey. Karen Her Time ☺️🌸

Abusive relationships are built on patterns. The initial period is where you fall in love. Maybe you are love bombed, have been rescued from something, made feel special or chased after. The person you meet here in this stage is a perceived dream catch. The next stage though is when you really get to meet the hidden or shadow side of someone. This is when shit gets real. Often this stage is triggered by something. A jealously, moving in together, a baby. Or a perceived need is unmet that you were supposed to be responsible for. Or it’s a change of circumstances, a new job, returning to study, a new friend. Or it’s a stressful job or excessive alcohol or drug consumption. This is when shit gets hard and the true feelings, traumas, and beliefs surface. Everyone’s reactions to to these moments are central to the safety and wellbeing of the relationship. How someone holds life’s shitty and changing moments, how they actively work through their traumas, how they attend to addictions, how they work on their behaviours, is paramount. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has trauma based responses and everyone needs to take full accountability and responsibility for when they have truly hurt someone else. But abusers rarely if ever take this responsibility. Using blame or justification to excuse poor or abusive behaviour. Or giving a half arsed apology with no intention of actioning real change. Yearning for a return to the honeymoon stage, forgiving without seeing real change, or idealising the perpetrator of abuse is often the fallout for victim/survivors. When this pattern happens time and time again, this is an abusive relationship. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #entitlement #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #patternsofabuse #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #recovery

Post Court Trauma is real. In sexual assault, domestic violence or family law court matters, very often the victim/survivor experiences are one of pathologising, shaming or exploiting existing trauma responses. And then adding to the trauma using abusive cross examination practices such as being yelled at, intimidated, gaslit, belittled, put down, demeaned and demoralised. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #traumainformed

When one door closes, another one should open. Right? Wrong. In very entitled and emotionally needy abusive relationships, an abuser will refuse to allow you to close the door on them. They don’t see it as your right to leave what is no longer working for you, or that those around them have a right to safety, security, respect, autonomy, equality or freedom. At the higher end of the scale an abuser with all the traits of a narcissist, ends the life of the victim and/or ends their own life as punishment. Others fight their way through the family and property law act refusing to concede what is just, fair or actually in the best interests of the children. They can spend years trying to get back at the survivor or make it very difficult for them to enter into a new relationship. Many demand primary carer rights even though they’ve never done any of the emotional labour or hands on caring before. Then when they get the ‘right’ to children, have no idea about healthy, secure attachment or how to meet children’s emotional and psychological needs. And they keep blaming the other party. Others use obsessive stalking, ongoing manipulation and coercion or frightening threats to get their way. Abusers only ever see things their way. Using an entitled superiority lens, ie they only see what they are ‘losing or going to lose’ when their needs are no longer going to be being met. And tragically as a result, almost all will force that door to remain open for as long as they physically, financially, emotionally, legally, coercively, can. Or until they are forced to, or they decide they want to, close the door. Getting support from domestic and family violence organisations can be helpful when navigating this arduous, often frightening, journey. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits

The hardest part of a relationship is finding out who someone really is. An abuser always presents just a little part of them. The part that knows if they are charming, flattering, ideal enough, you are more likely to ignore any little flags and you will be more inclined to believe their version of themselves and their life. So it’s often not until you fall in love, get pregnant to, move in with, or are set up to feel sorry for them, that who they really are, becomes more apparent. By then the trauma bond is created. You are both idealised and demonised. And because the idealised part of the relationship feels so damn good, you hang on to that part for longer than is safe, and at the cost of your physical, emotional and psychological health. Trauma bonds are the hardest to break. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #healing #traumabonds

Feeling betrayed is completely despairing and gut wrenching. And betrayal trauma, like all traumas, results in all kinds of emotional, physical, psychological and financial distresses and behaviours. Particularly if one is left isolated and alone with it, it is pushed down and ignored, or one is retramautised by the system meant to protect. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #healing #familycourt #patriarchalsystems #betrayaltrauma

The part of you yearning for what is lost or the part of you who feels very lonely, need your full attention and care after a relationship breakdown, particularly an abusive one. Trauma bonds, betrayal trauma and a fragmented sense of self as a result of abuse, cause enormous grief and shame. Often to stave off these feelings, distraction is the most sought after coping mechanism. Sometimes these are old patterns that have helped in the past. A new very quickly enmeshed relationship, drinking or drug taking, emotional eating, using sex as a way to find intimacy, hiding, keeping very busy, using children to fill the void. None of these are good nor bad, they are what they are. Helpful. But if you are determined not to use old ways of coping, or are realising the pool of available safe suitors without numerous red flags is limited. And it’s triggering the yearning/lonely parts, particularly around returning to a previously abusive relationship, there are things you can do. Talking to a trauma informed therapist who deeply listens and supports you to find your way in the world is extremely beneficial. Overcoming grief, trauma, fragmentation, fear and shame based feelings through therapy is often a start. But it’s not the only thing. The work is in learning how to show up for yourself, centring your values, and being in the world in more nourishing ways. Relationships built on friendship, fun, emotional intimacy, mutuality, shared interests and/or meaningful connection are all soul mate relationships. Gender does not matter. Discovering what else you love, either alone without fearing judgement, or with others who have the same interests, can be exciting. Taking up space and finding the you that was lost, consumed or somewhat destroyed, is both purposeful and meaningful. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #healing #boundaries Art by Niki de Saint Phalle

Being forced, or feeling forced to always meet the needs of your partner or your parents, greatly impacts on wellbeing. It prevents your right to autonomy, equality and agency. Tactics such as belittling, silencing, punishing, coercing, gaslighting or humiliating take away from who you are as a person. Having to push down or shut down your needs, wants and emotions, always walking on eggshells or living in a state of perpetual guilt, takes its toll on the body, mind and soul. Nobody deserves to be treated abusively or dismissively. If you would like support to navigate these experiences. If you need support to understand these experiences. Or if you need support to overcome these experiences, a trauma informed professional therapist can help. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #peoplepleasing #healing #entitlement #betrayaltrauma #gaslighting #breadcrumbing Her Time specialises in domestic and family violence therapy.

From a trauma perspective, looking inside, feeling the feels, acknowledging the pain, listening to the weariness, helping heal the impact; terrifies us. People can spend decades protecting themselves from their pain by continually turning away from it, overusing drugs and alcohol, or projecting it outwards. It is far easier to turn outwards, to disconnect or disassociate from the inside, to chase daydreams and/or to hold hope that if the external world changes, it changes you. It is true that we need to look outside of ourselves and into the bigger macro systems for long lasting change. Inequality, power over, capitalism, poverty, racism, sexism are all examples of major systems that impact upon our lives. And unless we all advocate for systems change, we can only dream of a better world for all. But on a micro level, within our relationships to ourselves, we are the only ones who can effect real change. It’s an inside job. Yet more often than not we are scared of what we might find out if we go within. Scared that we don’t have the capacity to hold the parts that hurt. Scared that the alone part will feel even more alone if we choose our own well-being and mental health over others. Scared that what you were told, effectively to keep you boxed in, labelled or controlled, might be true. Scared too of the unknown. And initially we can feel incredibly unsafe unpacking the protectors one puts in place that stopped the pain of shame or vulnerability as a child or in abusive relationships. But going within, gently inquiring into the hurt or emotional repression, the anger and resentment, allows us to rebuild a safe and authentic connection with ourselves. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #partswork # #traumatriggers #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #healing

Whilst everyone can project their hurt and pain onto others before they know better. Before they find the courage to learn to soothe and develop boundaries around their own wounded parts by using curiosity, compassion and somatic and deep reflective practices to work through processing pain. Many people who are family and domestic violence abusers just straight out project. And due to a lack of courage, gross entitlement or perceived privilege, refuse to do their own work. Are you living, or have ever lived with someone who projects their stuff on to you, making all their repressed emotional needs, your responsibility? Their deep seated insecurities, toxic levels of shame that then seek to shame you, and their need for power over to make themselves feel good, projections. All the false, reactive name calling, put downs and jealous accusations, projections. The need to control and dominate, projections. The hate and vitriol leveled at people who they perceive as having done any wrong by them, projections. Forcing you into co-dependency, projections. Needing you to always pander to, or build up their ego, projections. Demanding you mother or parent them, projections. The desperation or entitled rage, projections. If you are living with someone who does this, these trauma (+ entitlement) projections become your responsibility. To hold, fix, placate, soothe, obey. And if you fail, you are further blamed or punished. Sometimes long after the relationship is over. You are not responsible for someone else’s emotional repression or trauma wounds. But when living with an abusive person, it’s a dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t situation. Trauma work is for everyone. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #toxicrelationships #traumatriggers #entitlement #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #emotionalabuse #equality #boundaries

Just leave!!! is an often rolled out reply to people living with abuse. Like its the magic answer to safety and freedom. What most people don’t realise, is that leaving, walking away or putting in a boundary around someone who is very entitled and incredibly needy, can set off a completely new set of abuses. Sometimes leaving sets off abuse where there’s been nothing significant before. And this generally indicates that as long as the controlling person got their needs met, they were happy. When that changes, the abuse commences. Post separation can be a frightening and dangerous time for many women. Having the courage (redefined as audacity from the abusers perspective) to leave what is diminishing you; or to regain safety, freedom, autonomy and agency, is a basic human right. But many women who leave or try to leave, are made pay and suffer for it. Threats to suicide, threats to kill, harm, stalking, manipulation, blackmailing, and/or refusing to amicably settle property or to equally co-parent. Trying to turn children away from the other parent by constantly undermining or belittling. Giving them anything and everything to win them over. Blaming the non abusive parent when the children don’t want to speak to, or spend time with the abuser. Blaming the non abusive parent for the traumatic responses of children to the abuser. Never taking responsibility for their abuse. Refusing to share the financial burden of children because they don’t get to control the situation anymore. Refusing to permit children to get the help they need to overcome the trauma. Making absolutely everything a fight, drama or battle as a show of power over. Demanding and coercing the non abuser into ignoring child safety, family law, domestic violence or police orders so they continue to get their needs met. Refusing to accept the relationship is over. Threatening new partners. This is all post separation domestic and family violence and abuse. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #trauma #toxicrelationships #entitlement #coercivecontrol #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse #narcistictraits #postseparationabuse

Ever wonder why some people cope the way they do, or wondered why you do? Why anxiety, depression, shame, numbness, isolation, anger, insecurity might be very present in your adult life without current experiences of abuse, violence or adversity? Whilst not every thing is traumatic. And not every thing causes trauma. And not everyone is impacted (even in the same family) by the lives around them in the same way. And neither is trauma always about the event/s that were occurring, it is often what happens for you after these adverse childhood experiences that can create trauma. Trauma can be complex (trauma after trauma) and intergenerational because some societies and families are profoundly impacted by the systems around them. Genocide, war, colonisation, poverty, patriarchy, racism, sexism, homophobia, death, capitalism, fundamentalism, too high expectations, strict or unequal and completely socialised gender roles, hierarchal domination, gross entitlement, authoritarianism, sexual abuse, sexual objectification and harassment, and domestic and family abuse or violence, heavily impact on human beings. What can result is emotional disconnect, neglect, feelings of rejection and abandonment, projection, isolation, poor mental and physical health, drug and alcohol abuse, anxiety, depression, shame, post traumatic stress, desperation, insecurity, and ongoing power over and/or fear based parenting. #hertime #womenscounselling #therapy #womenswork #domesticviolence #domesticabuse #abuse #traumawork #trauma #patriarchy #inequality #systemsabuse #poverty #traumatriggers #entitlement #coercivecontrol #familyviolence #powerandcontrol #narcisticabuse